random{ramblings]

Love Deeply and Passionately

2006-05-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

"Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely, God did it."

Quote stolen from my ex-girlfriend's profile. Such a simple quote, yet so true, so profound. Yeah, it applies to romantic love. When the person who wrote it down did so, that's probably what they were thinking of. And of course, that is the first thing that jumps in my mind, as well as yours, and whoever else happens to read it.

However, at least in my mind, it also applies to every other aspect of life. Whatever it is that you do, give it all you have. This is becoming the anthem for my life -- living 100%. Take advantage of every opportunity, milk it for all its worth, get everything out of everything in life, give everything your everything. At the end of life, let your gas tank be empty, with just enough left to say "I love you" to the love of your life, and go to sleep for the last time knowing that you have given this life all that you have. God has so much more in store for us lovers of Him ahead of this life, there is no need to keep something, anything, on reserve. Let it all out. Waste no time, waste no chances to gain something in life. Take risks. It has been said that the greatest risk is not taking one at all. Live by that, man.

Yeah, I reckon that a lot of what I just wrote is directed at myself and is basically re-iterating everything I have been telling myself the past few months.

Randomness for you.

:)

What about when ...

2006-04-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Just some random thoughts I'm havin' on this ridiculously late evening about the living of the incomplete life.

A day will come when the alcohol no longer brings relief, the drugs no longer bring comfort, the sex doesn't even bring the pleasure. The things in life so commonly looked to for resolving a situation are in reality mere distractions that do little else than obscure the view of what will bring truly permanent, peaceful, and death-defying relief, comfort, and satisfaction. Your mindset sees those things as not possibly fulfilling you the way you feel when you have that sex, you feel that buzz, that innebriation, that feeling of freedom and care-for-nothing attitude. The solution from those problems is not something that is "pure" that will make you feel like that -- the solution lies in what will change what you see as making you feel complete. Believe it or not you will no longer want what brought you pleasure and relief in the first place because you will have found something EVEN BETTER. Problem is too many people have diluted your view on it. I have probably been one of them.

It's not secret of which I speak. I am talking about Jesus Christ. The people that have diluted it, myself included on entirely too frequent occasion, are Christians who react out of emotion and zealousness instead of understanding and compassion. Just because deep down I know how much I love you, doesn't mean that you know it from the way I might react to something you do or say.

I apologize and ask forgiveness from all of you that may read this for the actions and words of Christians in the past and from myself that have scarred you from seeing what the real Jesus-lovin' life should be about. That's all the Christian life is really about: lovin' Jesus.

Yeah I'm done now ... peace.

You Make Me

2006-03-31T15:59:00.000-08:00

You Make Me

Who I am is only in you.
Without you it scares me to see who I can become.
Don’t leave me no matter what I do.
Be my strength, be my firing gun.

Be my everything, be my all.
Stand strong when I’m weak and prevent my inevitable fall.
Broken and pleading I have no alternative.
Revive me for alive I long to live.

Desolation brings the beautiful revival of gifts long dead.
Be you in me, I’ll be everything you intended.
Wish me nothing only give me reality.
Close these blinders so I can really see.

Crash down waves of mercy.
Kill my breath take this stale putridity from my lungs.
Battles still to be won as this war has hardly begun.
Fry my internal angst with the fire of your purity.

Never stopping never can I slow down or turn away.
Too little life with entirely too much to be done.
It’s gotta be done by some unique someone.
Lock down this purity and keep me from the failure that becomes me.

Be my everyday, be my life.
Protect me for the day when I meet my purified wife.
Keep me virgin in all word sense.
No going back but the future brings recompense.

Recall

2006-03-31T10:52:00.000-08:00

So I remembered my thought from yesterday. (It's amazing how randomly we forget and then suddenly remember things. I mean, I was just driving down the street minding my own business and there it came!)

It came yesterday during a scholarship luncheon I was strongly petitioned to attend my the authorities of my college. (In other words, I basically had to go.) The president of the college got up there, he's a cool, fun, laid back guy, did the introductions and all that. What the point of me just saying that is, I'm not sure, but anyways ... then the chaplain of the college got up there to "pray" the introductory prayer. This is where I just started thinking ... what is the point of public prayer like that? I understand if it's in a worship service or meeting or something of the sort, something where prayer would "just happen" out loud in front of people. But why do we have a designated person start off such things as a luncheon or meeting or anything of the sort with public, microphone-led prayer? What's the point? The thing is, it would be cool if it was always sincere, but it rarely is. It's often done out of obligation or formality, and that's not what God intended prayer to be. At least, I don't think so.

That wasn't even my main thought. My main thought occurred when the chaplain pulled out a piece of paper and read the prayer. This is where my mind just started rolling. Prayer has become political, to a point. She read sentences that asked for God to bless every single person in the room, basically. Their group, anyways. The donors of scholarships, the recipients, the president, the blah blah blah. The list went on. I understood why, and I wasn't angry at her for it -- I just think it's wrong. Turning prayer into a people-pleaser. Making sure everything we "pray" is politically correct. What is up with that? Prayer was never intended to be for showmanship, pride, pleasing people, or anything of the sort. It is supposed to be me talking to God, you talking to God, about what's on your heart. When you pray thinking about what other people will think of what you say, you are not praying to God anymore. You're praying to them, and to yourself. Protecting your image. Why even be worried about your image? If we really get as close to Jesus as we need to be, we won't be worried about our image because it won't be our image that is being seen. *dun dun dun*

Just some more ranodom thoughts. Do enjoy!

Today

2006-03-30T22:52:00.000-08:00

I had a really deep thought today.

But I forgot what it was.

I'm gonna start writing stuff down more.

G'nite. :)

Christianity is . . .

2006-03-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

Christianity is the antithesis of perfection. It is the admittance of everything failure, and then the realization of a Savior with the capability to lead us where we were created to go.

... just a random thought I had a couple days ago ... 'tis truth ...

Another awesome quote I heard today:

Not being loved is sad.
Not loving is a tragedy.
Indeed.

Living

2006-03-20T06:32:00.000-08:00

This is an amazing quote on a card that my grandma sent me yesterday ...
"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of teh unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."

That's bout all I wanted to write for today. I know I havent stayed very up-to-date, but I'll be getting better. There's a power, a certain type of life, that I get out of writing. I want to keep it up.

Oh yeah, there is another random thought floating around in my head. I was watching/falling asleep to Mr. Deeds on TV last night, and it was at the end where Deeds is talking about what did we dream about being when we wanted to grow up. I feel like a part of me, that passion for what I loved when I was a kid has ... not died ... but been suppressed by all of the opposition towards it I have faced in my life. I felt a tear actually come on last night as I heard that speech and thought about all I wanted to do when I was a kid. I have decided that no matter what the situation is looking like now, I will go after that dream, that love, with all I have until I have nowhere else to go with it. I will not forget the rest of my life, but I will pour out all I can into that dream. God gives us dreams for more reason than to simply have them. It's what we do with the dreams we are given that will determine how full our life will be.

Passions burn deep within yet wisping smoke is all that is seen.
Uncovering a path determined by releasing this blaze in my being.

2006-03-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

People crowded around Jesus, so He sat in a boat and taught them in order that all might hear His words. Then Jesus said to Peter, Launch out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch" (Luke 5:4). Peter answered, "We have toiled all night and caught nothing" (v. 5). Perhaps he was thinking, "Lord, You know nothing about fishing. Daytime is the wrong time to fish." But he said, "Nevertheless at Your word I will let down the net" (v. 5). I believe every fish in the lake tried to get into that net. They wanted to see Jesus.

The above is taken from Smith Wigglesworth's devotional.

There are so many spiritual concepts in this single paragraph. Obeying when it doesn't make sense. Not trusting our own understanding of timing. And then there is the one concept that initially struck me -- doing whatever it takes to get to Jesus, even if that means dying.

Those fish, of course, were doomed the second they were caught in that net. As a seeker of Christ and all that He has for me, however, I see that as more than "being doomed." Getting Jesus will require a death of some kind -- more often spiritual or internal than physical. These spiritual deaths might lead to the ending of something physical. The point is, finding where Jesus is for you at this point in life will require "killing" or removing something from your life that is an obstacle in your path or a blur in your vision.

Just some thoughts.

I gotta go play baseball now. :)

Living for Life

2006-03-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

A random thought I have had at this early morn hour of 1:51 AM is this...

Those who feel completed by something physical
are truly missing something.

So often the physical things in life make us feel emotionally -- and even spiritually -- sound and secure. They make us feel whole, complete, and satisfied. But what happens when that is gone? That boyfriend, that friend, that relative, that car, that money, that alcohol, that cigarette, that pot, that crack, that sex? That pleasure? If it is something temporary -- no matter how permanent it may feel -- it will leave you wanting, needing, pleading, reaching. You will be left desperate.

Something I have learned recently is that in order to live my life truly alive it is not confidence that I need. I had been seeking confidence for the longest time. Confidence in not only baseball, but every other aspect of life. Then God quietly whispered to me through my mom that it was in fact freedom that I was missing. I had lost my freedom as who I was in Christ. That carefree way of living. And when I say carefree, I don't mean partying, manwhoring myself, getting trashed, etcetera etcetera. When I say carefree I mean truly free of caring what other people think about me (within the boundaries of all due respect, of course.) I am me, and they can just deal with it.

The thing is, we're all pretty cool people underneath all the fears that cover us up. Problem is, we're all scarred, maimed, scabbed over, and veiled by past experiences that have paralyzed us in different areas of life. We are paralyzed because of fear -- fear of experiencing that pain, that hurt, that betrayal, that humiliation all over again. This is one of the greatest barriers in humanity, in human beings -- the fear of being hurt because of who we are.

We wonder if it is worth the risk.

There is a second side, a rather extreme opposite to this paralyzation. This was also found true in me, something else I continue to fight for my freedom in ...

I don't know who said it or what the exact quote is, but it is entirely and chillingly true -- we are often more scared of our own potential. We are scared of how good we can be at something. We are scared of how impacting we can be, of the difference we can actually make.

I am striving to live for what I have been created to be by Jesus Christ. I want to fulfill every part of my life that he gave me potential for. I want to live to take those risks, to jump in without fearing what could go wrong. I want to live with the knowledge that I might fail but the freedom to give it all that I have.

Only with 100% freedom can I give 100% of my all to whatever it is I take on.

Freedom

2006-03-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

There is truly nothing lesser than being bound by something that holds you back so much that you feel like quitting what you most love.

I will just spill my guts here.

I absolutely love baseball. I have re-realized this fact about myself in recent weeks. I had begun to question whether I loved it, and why this love had faded. I was not having fun, I have been playing like crap (with fleeting flashes of greatness), and I was just feeling entirely too much pressure to succeed.

My mom -- man alive, I love how God works through parents -- and I had been talking via email about this problem. I had long ago identified the root as a lack of confidence, which I had noted to be present in all reaches of my life. (What the problem really was, I came to realize, was that I was placing all my confidence in the wrong place -- myself.) Without Christ I literally became nothing -- at least in my mind. Who I was in my mind I became to everyone else -- IN MY MIND. This affected the way I lived my life. To me, I was a loserish wannabe good baseball player who only tried to be cool in life.

Now don't get me wrong -- I am not going to go off and say I am great now. I believe I can be great. And I don't think I am cool in life, but I know I am not a loser, I don't "suck at life." I am me, and who I am is not a sucky person. I am a person with a lot to offer people, and for me to doubt myself is to rob other people of blessings God might want to give them through me.

My mom pointed out to me how when I was younger I didn't even understand what pressure was. I just played the game "freely." She told me that God wanted me to play with freedom, just play, don't worry about anything else. I wish I had understood this 6 months ago in the fall, when all my first impressions were being made and everyone was getting to know me. I feel as though I have wasted a lot of time, I feel as though I have missed out on a lot. But the lessons I have learned through all of this will undoubtedly be entirely more valuable than succeeding right away would have ever been.

I just look forward to progressing in life. Doubt still comes at me. But I am living in a Christ-given confidence now, in the confidence that I am free to be me, and when I just live all-out with little reserve, I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

Life ROCKS!

Without Christ, I am nothing ... with Him, I am and will be everything I have been created to be.